My American Dream

I’m only 18 hours away; from finding truth. I’m only 18-24 hours away from being enlightened and amused. I’m only several days to a week away from being the best person I can possibly be. It’s not just random chance, I’m waiting for it all to come full circle and for the world to open its sleepy eye and say we found a fucking winner.

I saw you bright and luminous, and you made sugary promises to me. You told me I could have abdominal muscles and true love, with one simple machine. And you yelled to me;

Bla bla black sheep,
Haven’t you any shame.
All these blokes on QVC,
Aren’t they getting to your brain?

What do you lack in kitchen cutlery,
That keeps you all alone,
Surely if you get that bargain treadmill,
You won’t always be stuck here at home.

There is hope for you my chubby friend,
And it’s not in a face machine,
Because when you go out, we will make sure you stay out,
Or go home with a just of age teen.

So tell me the price of your happiness,
Before I fade to blue screen,
Just one chance, if you call in the next half hour,
Your credit card condensed to dreams.


I switch to talk shows… I wish I could put Popsicle sticks up all of their butts, and keep them in line, talking cheap falsetto over their voices as I solve their problems. It’s taken years of skill building with the ol’ remote in hand, but I consider myself a cultural commentator and veritable warehouse of human relation skills.

I could do it alone, but you will see how much easier it comes after I have read “Who moved my cheese?” I’m only a small excited jump away from unpacking my new lives from Styrofoam and flimsy cardboard, and assembling them with poorly translated Chinese instructions that tell me “do no use, keep out of children…” or some nonsense.

Laugh all you want, but ill be a new man soon. Women and stock buying powers. Sipping the ice of good life, what a solid American dream.