our anniversary

It’s January 7th, and somehow I expected things to be different. All the stars are aligned today you see, every planet in a straight course to my heart. Don’t you remember; it’s the one year anniversary of the time you picked that piece of shit law student over me for one scared lonely night of you life.

Its not that I’m upset, I just expected more from today. Maybe I expected to realize how silly it is to keep thinking about it, nonetheless marking its anniversary. Maybe to realize he was doing a favor by filling me with so much passion as he was filling you with semen. Perhaps just to be thankful that our wedding anniversary wasn’t close to the same day, that day that for so long was unmentionable in our lives together.

How did I celebrate? It was purely subconscious, but I can see it now.

I still don’t write in that side of my red notebook that we used to have together. The other side has so much scribbling, is filled nearly full of recollections; yet beyond that yellow divider sits our old and silly doodles , perhaps your inane illustration themed on getting you a diamond and making my kid to stop head butting you. Maybe keeping her as a nice Jewish lesbian while we were at it; to save us all a lot of trouble later in life. Those were our jokes, now my memories.

I remember sitting at your friend’s house and us all getting tipsy on raspberry vodka, everybody turning their eyes on us when you brought up the “rock”. I really though I meant it when I said soon enough. Everyone blushed. Us, just proud and in love…

Nobody knows that story down here. They just know haphazardly that it’s the seventh day of the New Year, and its ushering in all sorts of good stuff for us. Nobody asks me if I got you your ring yet, no one is disappointed when I say no.

It’s really all ok now. No regrets, nothing I can’t salvage, nothing left out in the rain with nobody to care for it. Your shoes fit in that plane ride back to hell, and I dragged mine behind a speeding vehicle.

What the fuck were we thinking kid? Now that everything is sorted out, and what I miss the most is the curiosity of another human being. It’s such a big new year though. It’s a new face, and new home, and a new piece of America to yell out to.

So congratulations, a toast to us!

It’s our anniversary,
You’ve hidden my keys,
This is one anniversary,
You’ll be spending with me.

Here is to a new chapter of my life, as this anniversary can likely be the split between separate types of existence. We were just kids at play when the whole thing started, and here I am giving it all much more air than it should have. Honestly, it was never important enough to devote a volume too. Just a lonely little girl in a new school; looking for someone to run his fingers through her hair, and hold her hand when she crossed the street. And what was not important, was us. We were a product of consumer desire, two objects brought onto the rack at inconvenient times; so much so that our space had no choice but to overlap and therefore conflict.

Wouldn’t I like to believe we found love at last, that we perpetuated all that human garbage of infidelity and detestable spirit in only the fear and inadequacy of ourselves? If only psychology were a science!

…

And today I washed down my vitamins with peppermint schnapps, mainly because it was the only thing at hand. Count four large vitamin E tablets. I heard the mixture as it met at the bottom of the lengthy slalom, and I made out their rather polite greetings.

Vitamin E, being a stately antioxidant, offered the first bit of conversation as he quipped “I haven’t quite seen you here before sir, have we been acquainted?”

Alcohol met the challenge with “Actually I come here often, though this schedule is a bit out of the ordinary.”

E said “True to that, I’m generally a morning person you see.”

They shook hands and went there separate yet identical ways; whilst I proceeded to sleep like a champ... This kid has got heart…