Associate Survival Guide

Us

We are your every day working man, Semi-Confident, Semi-Charmed. We attempt our separatism from capitalism so we must harvest from the “other’s” obvious obsessions and vapid decadence. We differ from the shopper because we possess a human humility and perhaps a morality that is indicative of our retail past. We are the damned salt of the earth.

We sell you pants, shoes and laces to tie them with. We deliver you fish and game with our tools of harvest, and give you licenses to murder them. We spoon feed you babies MRE’s and clothe you with fatigues for traversing the dense urban jungle. We give light in the dark night, we give you the batteries to suck dry. We put the hats on your pretty wife’s head, ones that wont keep her warm but instead build her flock of fake friends by merely being ornamented. We give you socks to keep your fat feet dry in the cold wet of your basement. Slippers to walk your merely luke warm carpet with.

When all that is not enough, we sweep the kernels of sweet corn that somehow missed your maw. We clean our glass and windows of your sweaty palm prints, and wipe your fake food breathed smiles from our heads each night. Then we clean and prepare for the next day with some reckless drive, a force that keeps us moving through it all.

We please the upper class enough to keep them complacent.

We are the new bohemians and nearly the third millennium coal miners. We are the intellectuals but the culturally downtrodden. We are the recluse and refused. We are our mothers fear and concerns. We are the ticking gears of corporate consumerism, we are the cogs in the machine of a humming and bustling global economy.

We are the ASSOCIATES.

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Them

They are the “shopper”. They are the bourgeois and the imp of a money market. They are the impractical yuppie, and the semi-educated slob. They are sometimes the working man too, but they hide that under egoism and a horrible demeanor.

They are a consumer that lives to consume and extracts the monetary equivalent of their output. They are thrifty and cut coupons, they are wise and accept no substitute to the product that they typically find on infomercials at 4:30 in the morning. The shopper is wizened to your way of selling and will correct you harshly and bluntly when your face fades from a fake grin or when you back is turned to them. They walk with an eye open to scrutinize any passing giggle or trace of sincerity.

The shopper like us to be the mommy, but doesn’t like to be reminded. Don’t clean up their messes when they are looking, they expect that to be a behind the scenes maneuver. Don’t smarten up to old men and surely don’t ask a woman her true size. They are “people” who live whimsical flights of fancy, who believe that their crass consumerist world is reality and that with the correct measurements they can modify their clothes instead of losing weight.

These are the slovenly ilk that count our money and reject our credit, audit our tax returns and seize our scared children when the ex calls the state office and says you don’t feed the kids. These are your divorce lawyers and O.J. attorneys.

These are the tricksters of our world that will blindly seek you out in order to suck your soul. They will tattle, lie and fake pricing discrepancies. Turn not a blind eye to the shopper, it is your destiny to appease his twisted spirit and send him upon his way to the ephemeral yet corporeal other world that is the parking lot.

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Weapons of the Trade

There are certain weapons that one must possess in order to take upon the grim duties entailed within our guide. There is of course no shortage of need for basic physical violence, but quite often we are simply outnumbered.

Tact / Wit

This skill involves a certain amount of premeditation and subtlety. When presented with tasks by the shopper, one can with practice, talk the consumer out of interest in the merchandise altogether or out of wanting a certain size. Most of this is a good deal of improvisation and can be combined with the following methods to be more effective.

A simple encounter would go as follows;

“Hi, can I special order this in a size 17?”
“Sure Ma’am, our special order policy is a full deposit and it could take up to 12 weeks for delivery, still want it?”


Sarcasm / Facetiousness

This is the simplest weapon to brandish against the pseudo-educated shopper. When applied tastefully this method can dissuade presence in your department, attention to a specific object, or altogether the expenditure of time in the store. Use wisely because the shopper does tend to snitch on any rude associate and will demand revocation of your job before they shop again. Just use this to stare un-adoringly, look indifferent when they tell stupid jokes, and appear unpleased with the actions of their snotty children.

Techno-babble

By far the most powerful tool for the associate is the ability to create impromptu techno babble. This gives you points in product knowledge and also allows you to flip the tables on the thrifty shopper. The psychological advantage is obviously gained by appearing to be the current expert of the given subject. Bare in mind things like blatant mispronunciations (Chipp-a-paw instead of Chippewa, Vikadin instead of Vibram, or even Carnheart instead of Carhartt) this will immediately cue you into their weak area. Most people cant tell you if Gore-Tex is for waterproofing or for warmth so it is simple to gain the upper hand.

Pawning

Pawning off the customer is a can of mixed blessings. This must be done in a way that includes the other associates and hitherto does not annoy them. Hell hath no fury like an associate that has been duped into dealing with a retarded soccer mom just because you wanted to skate off to the bathroom. Be considerate and remember what you do can return to you in the way of store Karma.

Coordinate with other associates and make a plan of customer volleying that will benefit you all. Stick to the story that you are not allowed out of your specific department lest you be flogged. This will force them to feel alone and in a sea of information which is an obvious segue into techno babble. Excrete a hatred for people that ask you for an ice skate in the shoe department and try to return underwear at the sporting good desk.

Once the premise has been established, this should be a wonderful means to extrude people from the store. They feel juggled and manhandled, virtually violated and personally demolished.

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Mission

Only with these tools can we service our obvious conviction to humanity and punish the sludge that ruin our world for profit and the joy of plunder. Only with these weapons can we serve justice and bring down the unholy and corrupted reign of the all mighty dollar!